I am a strange loop

As written to a friend, in times of a perfect circle:

I am sitting here, and there is a lot happening around me, and inside me, and almost every place and person I know has a lot happening. And I am okay with it, only I am sinking, because I am the same as everyone.

Because I also get hurt, and I also hurt people. And I ignore, and I say things I don't mean. But I think thats the way I have been.

But why do relationships have to be give and take? How could one think of being revengeful to a friend? To anyone for that matter!

Why is life tit for tat, and what goes around comes around? I find it hard to fight negativity, I find it hard t withstand pain.

I would like to think I am not weak, but there is only so much I can take. It overspills, its overkills!

Its like losing, its like breaking into a million fragments or sink within oneself.

Its like the heart is the center of all activity and its going too fast, and working too hard, and will stop.

Is this my reoccurring destiny? Am I never supposed to be ... and Am I always going to drive away people who... because its not my choice?

Since I cam back from Delhi, I have wanted to be away, I look forward to going away for a month, I want to escape. And come back as someone else, change my name, change my feelings, change my friends, change my focus of attention, change my circle if influence! But right now I am doing what I have to. And not what I want to. Because I won't be a traitor at the cost of being a friend. Because thats how it always has been.

And right now, I just want to be silent, because I have nothing to say to the people I am always with, and nobody has anything to say to me which makes me feel better.

I am a strange loop. Thats a book, and I want it.