we are all sad little pathetic creatures seeking attention

clarity reality

I wish to spill the beans - I wish to write about all that I know, all that happens, because its the only way you will know how I feel or how I want to feel.

The inspiration now is the love that I know. It terrible sometimes, but inspiring. But its also new and weird. Before, I was on my own, still am, but feels different. Capabilities, skills and efficiency are so worthless without direction. I have mine now, again. I am not supposed to be sure, and I am not - believe me, but I have something, it'll work, I know.

The description of my desires, aspirations, fears, flaws, strengths, wishes, disappointments, passion and love would be, however, incomplete if you are not whom I want you to be.

Its dawn time - it is seductive, this morning sky, it makes you believe in life being bigger than the sky. In real life, however, you know, its all dots, maybe, no actually, definitely, somewhere up there it all makes sense, life is beautiful and funny, when you move higher, see the bigger picture, its not just dots, its people, and situations, and love, and laughter.
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I absolutely adore the new recruits of the batch of August 2008. Everytime, they make things better, they make having done this worthwhile, having decided to spend another year here and see this LC evolve. I have met and admired and loathed and been indifferent to and secretly idolized many people in this organization, some of whom I still do. But this group is special, they are on the onset of an experience of a lifetime and they remind me of myself - three years ago.
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Driving around Chandigarh at night is CLARITY. Mark my words.
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Food and fancy are not equated in my world. Paneer, Pasta & Pizza pretty much sum it all up here.
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I love my job (read 'what I do'), and then sometimes I dislike somethings about my job, even then I love it. It will end, but knowing that I loved it won't. I failed, then I didn't, and finally it didn't count for anyone but me.
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I hide pain well.
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This year, was the year I learnt I am nothing - nothing more than my set of perceptions about who I am. And I am still capable beyond measure, in a modest-just-like-you way :-)
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Its aching with passion, pain and pride.
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I know funny stuff. I carry around a sense of humour - essential tool when you get thrown into this 'framework' with what I got. But if you must know:
a) Saying 'be there or be there!' doesn't always make people 'be there'.
b) Dinosaurs don't exist anymore, atleast not when you really need them to come and gulp you up in those awkward why-am--i-here situations.
c) Sulking doesn't make other people realize they have been stupid, and in the end you're the only one being stupid
d) Laziness is a disease, so is ADD (attention deficiency disorder), both can be caused by TV
e) Not everything is funny
f) This will be another post...
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Would you believe me if I said I have it all figured out? Its ridiculous because its not in the now, its ahead, maybe a few more years! But there! Living the illusion, with confidence, is reality waiting to happen(?)
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And then I am reminded on the 2 am drive:

Tu dhoop hain jham se bikhar
Tu hai nadee o bekhabar
Beh chal kahin ud chal kahin
Dil khush jahan teri toh manzil hai wahin

Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

Those words are inscribed above the entrance to the temple of Apollo at Delphi in Greece.

I don't know what to make of them, infact, I didn't know what to make of them until I read this & in many ways got answers to questions I didn't know how to ask:

"Nobody can tell you who you are. It would be just another concept, so it would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. Infact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realization, since you already are who you are."
- Eckhart Tolle, Author, A New Earth

Anything but ordinary

Whose eyes am I behind, I don’t recognize anything that I see, Whose skin is this design, I don’t want this to be the way that you see me. I don’t understand anything anymore, In this world that I’m tired of, Is taking me right up these walls, That I climb up, To get to your story, It’s anything but ordinary And when the world is on its knees with me its fine, And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind, Everybody seems to be getting what they need with mine, ‘Cause your what I need so very but i 'm anything but ordinary Can you save me from this world of mine, Before I get myself arrested with this expectation, You are the one look what you’ve done, What have you done? This is not some kind of joke, You’re just a kid,You weren’t ready for what you did And when the world is on its knees with me its fine, And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time, Everybody seems to be getting what they need with mine, ‘Cause you what I need so very but i 'm anything but ordinary I think im trying to save the world from you, You’ve been saving me too, We could just stay in and save each other I 'm anything but ordinary, I 'm anything but ordinary

Now you know how I feel, that's really the objective of this space, isn't it? The good part is, even I know how I feel.

What is this? WHAT IS THIS?

Twenty-two

Its either pain or the pleasure of being strong enough to bear it that keeps me going. I realized yesterday that it could fall apart any time in a second, or it could take years, gradually deteriorating my sense of who I want to be, of who I could be.

But I am here, and I wake up everyday, and I do my best. And I will continue to do so because its all leading the one thing - back and forth - to the now - to the way life needs to be lived!